I've been sick all week, and I can't seem to shake it. It doesn't help that I live in a perpetual smog cloud in the Valley of the Sun.

I went to "Zoo Lights" last night, which is about the only thing you can do in Phoenix that's even remotely Christmas-like. They cover the zoo in Christmas lights, play holiday music, and overcharge you for everything.

I won't say it was a totally miserable experience, since I got to see a Donkey, but all the powers were aligning to make it suck. First of all there is the parking situation. 3/4 of the population of Phoenix drives a big ass truck/SUV, and of those people only half are bright enough to park them properly. When you try to find parking you begin to notice 'half-spots', or the spots left over when all these dickheads pull into a parking spot over the divider line between the spaces. It's incredible that people just leave their vehicles like that, the nerve is off the charts. I'd like to hear an interview with one of these clowns regarding why they do that.
Another factor with the big truck/SUV population of this area is that you can't see past "Anything" because there is always the tail end of three trucks sticking out in front of you. These parking lots weren't designed to have two feet of maneuverability removed because the trucks don't fit into the spaces, the result is chaos.

The zoo people were kind enough not to have anyone directing traffic. Thanks zoo people. Love you too.

Anyway, once we finally found a parking spot, we walked into the zoo and we were greeted by the sounds of the season. Not Christmas carols, but coughing, wheezing, sneezing kids. Lots and lots of them. It was a mess, people walking every which way, cutting in front of other people with no regard for anyone else. People taking flash pictures of the animals right next to the sign that says "Please don't take flash pictures of the animals".

I swear that moving into a cave far far from other people is looking better every single day. People as individuals may be great and wonderful, but people as a whole? Suck ass.

Attention Men of Phoenix.

Be on the lookout for the following girls. Should you see them, approach with caution. They are notoriously drunk and their actions can not be predicted. They were last seen breaking hearts and drinking shots at Furio in Scottsdale. Rumor has it that they will be bringing their unique style of mayhem and madness to E4 and all of it's various cheesy theme rooms.

Sarah "La Petit Mort" Murray


Janet "Lonely JEW on Christmas" White


These women should be considered armed and dangerous with curves. They are rumored to be looking to paint the town red and the balls blue. Consider yourselves warned.



Statement from Mark Sugarhorn, the latest victim
"First I asked if I could buy them a drink, and they said yes. The next thing I know I'm in some back alley with no money, puke on my shirt, and a phone number written on a napkin that says '1-800-you-suck" love J and S. And for some reason my backside hurts."


The victim

Smoking...how I love you, how I hate you. I'm a non-smoker now, at least a 95% non-smoker. I have had a couple of nights of weakness, usually with this sultry redhead who I occasionally hang out with. It's a good excuse to get my smoke on.

Since my surgery back at the end of August, I've only smoked on three occasions, and they were very pleasant times indeed. The nice thing about not smoking for a while is that you get a killer buzz off of that first cigarette...it's like getting stoned except it only lasts for about 60 seconds, and you don't get the munchies.

Not smoking has had the unfortunate side effect of making my belly bigger. Lungs = happy, belly = unhappy.

I weigh 204 pounds as of this writing. I start my program tomorrow...I figure I'll get a jump on all those other New Year's resolutionists by starting before the new year. Tomorrow I'll be running on the treadmill. I'll let you know how that works out for me. I'm anticipating 10 minutes before I'm a) exhausted, or b) bored and want to stop.

I will go for half an hour though, I don't care if I'm tired, bored, or wishing I was dead.

Fun fact: I actually dozed off running on my treadmill once. My foot went through the wall and my wife thought I was dead. Good times.

Boy, I'm in a miserable mood this holiday season. I'm usually all about Christmas, but this year I'm just coasting. Christmas in Arizona still seems so un-Christmas-like to me. It's 77 degrees right now, so obviously there's no chance of a white Christmas...ever, out here. For me, snow is a big part of the season. I guess that's from growing up in Ohio and having it always snow in December.

I won't be seeing my family this year, which is unfortunate. I do miss them. Maybe next year.

I'm registered for two classes. Psychology 101 and idiot mathematics. I was unable to test into a higher mathematics class since I haven't actually had occasion to subtract one fraction from another or divide decimal points in about 10 years. I hate math.
Both classes are online courses, so I'm going to need to be really motivated. I've never taken an online class before, but my job is to *teach* classes online, so I think I'll be okay.

I've also prepared an arsenal of 'get-fit' supplies. I've got my calorie tracking program on my Sidekick, I've got about 1000 pounds of free weights in my garage, along with our treadmill for cardio.

At the moment I'm researching different workouts on the Men's Health website. It's pretty amazing how many different routines there are. If you only have 10 minutes a day, 20 minutes a day, two days a week, gain weight, lose weight, and so on.

Once I decide what workout I'll most likely be able to stick to, I'll start trying to figure out what my diet will consist of in this upcoming year.

I've created several blogs, each one about nothing in particular. They failed to keep me interested. I don't think I'm the kind of guy who can just post random thoughts on a daily basis, or tell exciting stories about things that happen in my life. I don't like discussing politics, and I don't have tig ol' bitties and a webcam.

This means that if I want to have a blog...which I do want to have for some reason, that I need a reason to keep posting. I need a theme blog. If I chronicle my journey towards a particular goal, I think it will work. It might not, but it's worth a shot.

So, I'm only going to tell a few people about this blog. It's going to tell the story of me, the current me, unhappy at work, physically unfit, and lacking motivation, changing into a happy, fit, goal orientated guy. At least that is the plan.

With this first post I take on the following challenges for the upcoming year:

1. Go back to school, and maintain at least a 3.00 GPA.
2. Obtain a 'six pack' of the ab variety, and some 'guns' of the bicep variety by this time next year.
3. Enter and race in the PF Chang's Rock and Roll Half-Marathon in early 2007.
4. Find a job that I like
5. Make a baby.

These are the goals.